Open Letter to HP: Please stop selling PC's to 70+ seniors, unless you are willing to start paying me for IT tech support for my parents.

Need to change clothes to run to Walmart. Now where's my capris, toothpaste-stained sweatshirt and crocs, goddamnit?!?

Just ate and swallowed a kumquat. Why does that sound like I'm a lesbian?

If Barbie had an alien for a friend she would be Tori Spelling.

Open letter to Sweet 'n' Low: You will most likely need to find a new product when my parents die because you will go out of business.

Ever feel like the smartest and dumbest person in a room both at the same time? If you don't, just read your twitter feed.

If I had known I would be this old still having a period I would have bought Tampax stock back in 1973.

1st time I saw The Graduate, Mrs Robinson looked fuckin old. Now she looks fuckin young. Funny what 25 yrs will do to change ur perspective.

Oh stop it, Mom. This conversation is way too interesting enough already! You had me at leg cramps and shingles vaccine.

Is it wrong to lick your fingers if you find fallen salt on your boobs? Okay, I agree that's gross. What about fallen chocolate though?

Just sitting in gym parking lot burns 5 calories per 4 hours. Testing to confirm.

Whenever I have a flashback to my religious past and think I need to be punished for my sins I just go get my teeth cleaned.

"This cake goes straight to my back." Hunchback problems.

Oxymoron: plus sized skinny jeans.

Going off to print all the inspirational quotes off FB. I will frame each one in a mirror-matted frame outlined in miniature sea shells.

I will work on a tweet as long as it takes to poo, and one is not done before the other.

Funny how my awkward middle school quirks lasted a few decades too many.

Thinking its a matter of time until sleeptweeting becomes a phenomenom. I'll be saying shit I'm too scared to say while awake.

My best tweets would have been in 1965 before self consciousness set in.

My fantasy three-way. pic.twitter.com/FeSfNEP7