Sometimes when I give people advice, I think, "WTF am I even saying?"

How do professors at Ninja College take attendance?

Crazy Redneck Neighbor just seriously blamed Obama for Hostess going out of business. I said it was Dr. Oz's fault.

Scones are the gateway pastry.

Is it true just saying "bacon" in a tweet gets it retweeted and starred?

Why is Columbus Day a holiday? Guy gets lost and doesn't know where he's at, then rapes all the women and kills everyone.

What do you call a pope who retires? Ex-Benedict.

Say what you want about the South, but no one ever retires and moves North.

I will denounce all of you to our future Alien Overlords for a daily bar of Trader Joe's cookie butter-filled dark chocolate.

Was almost hit a while ago by a woman texting while driving who had a "Darwin Was A Liar" bumper sticker. Oh, the irony!

I can't use a stud finder at all, which I guess is appropriate.

Ladies, skeletal is not sexy, no matter what people make you think. Healthy is sexy.

The most dangerous words in the English language are "darlin'" & "sugar", at least when they come from a Southern woman. #trouble

One of the best things about being divorced is no longer having inlaws.

I just upgraded my phone today, and this tweet just took its twitter virginity.

I am the most interesting boring person in the world.

Guys, if you wear skinny jeans, wear underwear too, okay?

My Native American friend said he's spending Thanksgiving selling athlete's foot-infested blankets and cheap whiskey to white folks.

Never mess with either Nuns or Betty White. They'll give you the beatdown and you won't even know it until it's too late.

Snooki is in labor. The End Times are nigh. #endtimes #rosemarysbaby