I wanna see a Breast Cancer Awareness T-shirt that says, "Yes they're fake!! My real ones tried to kill me!!"

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

If u give up smoking, drinking, and sex.....u don't live longer. It just SEEMS longer.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

My rape whistle is a .44 Magnum. Bitch.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Ok. It's over then. We're through. Fine. Fuck you. I hate you. Die. Call me when you get off work.

Sometimes, when the sun catches your face just right, you look like a total fucking asshole.

Twitter is the new "Hotel California." Because you can check out any time you like..... but you can never leave.

WARNING: Drinking before pregnancy might result in pregnancy.

Honestly, I love every single some of you.......

Blondes might have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

Ironically, the Boogeyman was a terrible dancer.

Righty tighty, lefty Kim Kardashian's vagina.

I don't ever "call shotgun."


I carry one.


So get your ass in the back.

When I walk into a bar, I can usually spot the biggest slut immediately, depending on where the nearest mirror is.