I only have one regret in my life. And that is not swallowing more.

"Can I shit here?" ---- Sean Connery trying to make friends at the park but making enemies inshtead.

Men have a pill called Viagra. Women should have a pill called Niagara.

You can't be a ginger AND wear argyle socks. It's one or the other. Make a decision. (Go with the socks.)

When you mute someone on Twitter, their avi should show a dick in their mouth.

Just pulled a rabbit out of my vag.







I'm a vagician!

I'm the kinda girl that'll make you a sandwich after a blowjob.

Your Dad knows.

If Australia doesn't have a dating website called G'day Mate .com, then Australia just isn't as cool as I thought it was.

The problem w/people is that they lose sight of who they truly are. If ur a piece of shit, accept it. If ur not, you will be. Give it time.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Man. Lesbians must make a lot of money cuz they are constantly eating out.

Soul mate sounds like a dating agency for those single shoes you find on the side of the road.

Woke up today. Made breakfast for everyone on MY DAY. Threw down their plates & said "HAPPY MOTHERFUCKER'S DAY." Then went back to bed.

Going from friends to lovers is so much easier than going from lovers to friends.

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

I knew I was gonna fail the Breathalyzer test anyway so I gripped it hard& blew it for 15 minutes while never breaking eye contact w/the cop

My superpower is loving those who have no love for themselves.

Twitter is the new "Hotel California." Because you can check out any time you like..... but you can never leave.

I'm the kinda girl that prefers being tied up over being tied down. Unless Im tied down to your bed.

But still, tied up.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.