My dishwasher is invisible - that's the only way I can explain the fact that no one puts anything in it.

Now that my sister's changed her relationship status on Facebook, her marriage is official.

I could videotape this tantrum and sell it as birth control.

Just watched the nastiest couple on the dance floor. Now I know how babies are made.

The park would be awesome if it wasn't so full of other people's children.

Intervention needed: I just tried to star someone's Gmail status.

Mommy needs a timeout. And a vodka slurpee.

There is no shortage of Waffle Houses and XXX adult superstores on I-65. Unrelated: my hands are sticky. #wayback

You made me wait, you had no coffee and then you flirt with me? Oil change guy: you're doing it wrong.

When my daughters are older, I'm going to have them make dinner. And then I'm going to refuse to eat it. And they probably won't care.

I don't understand what about the words "nap" and "time" make children cry. Those are HAPPY words.

So, my mom carved a penis out of a banana. Then she ate it. Please start a fund to pay for my therapy.

Every time a mom gets a nap, a unicorn gets its wings. Yeah, it's THAT magical.

My goal is to eat enough raw cake batter that I have salmonella before the day is over.

I'm fancy. I hold my pinky out when I'm drinking the milk from the carton.

I am graceful. I am graceful. I am graceful. Clunk.

Facebook will be a lot less funny if people ever learn to spell. Related: I'm pretty sure there's no x in "sphincter".

Hell hath no fury like a parent on a mission to get a quality education for his or her kid.

Yeah, you in the white Honda- I can tell you're liking my car-aoke version of "Karma Chameleon". Pretty impressive, I know.

Reese's Pieces were a last minute candy substitute after Drew Barrymore ate all the M&Ms on the E.T. set. #lmsa