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My dishwasher is invisible - that's the only way I can explain the fact that no one puts anything in it.
Now that my sister's changed her relationship status on Facebook, her marriage is official.
I could videotape this tantrum and sell it as birth control.
Just watched the nastiest couple on the dance floor. Now I know how babies are made.
The park would be awesome if it wasn't so full of other people's children.
Intervention needed: I just tried to star someone's Gmail status.
Mommy needs a timeout. And a vodka slurpee.
There is no shortage of Waffle Houses and XXX adult superstores on I-65. Unrelated: my hands are sticky. #wayback
You made me wait, you had no coffee and then you flirt with me? Oil change guy: you're doing it wrong.
When my daughters are older, I'm going to have them make dinner. And then I'm going to refuse to eat it. And they probably won't care.
I don't understand what about the words "nap" and "time" make children cry. Those are HAPPY words.
So, my mom carved a penis out of a banana. Then she ate it. Please start a fund to pay for my therapy.
Every time a mom gets a nap, a unicorn gets its wings. Yeah, it's THAT magical.
My goal is to eat enough raw cake batter that I have salmonella before the day is over.
I'm fancy. I hold my pinky out when I'm drinking the milk from the carton.
I am graceful. I am graceful. I am graceful. Clunk.
Facebook will be a lot less funny if people ever learn to spell. Related: I'm pretty sure there's no x in "sphincter".
Hell hath no fury like a parent on a mission to get a quality education for his or her kid.
Yeah, you in the white Honda- I can tell you're liking my car-aoke version of "Karma Chameleon". Pretty impressive, I know.
Reese's Pieces were a last minute candy substitute after Drew Barrymore ate all the M&Ms on the E.T. set. #lmsa