Just clicked on Dane Cook's Twitter account and Twitter informed me that something was technically wrong. I know, Twitter. I know.

Just saw a list named "daddys" on a porn star's Twitter. I'm just glad Twitter can give her something that her mom apparently couldn't.

Which one of you dropped the date rape drug in one of my 23 shots of vodka last night? #illfindyou

ANY man can be a father, but a man who knows how to spank is a real daddy.

Getting to know someone is called "rubbing elbows." Rubbing other body parts together gets you acquainted pretty damn well in my opinion...

"I wonder what skunk cum tastes like." Those were actual words that just came out of my mouth. You're welcome.

Using someone else's material doesn't make you funny. However, in some cases, it does make you a drag queen.

If you have to use Google to "get" a joke, chances are, the tweeter is rather bumptious.

Fiber strengthens your colon. Know what else does? Anal sex. It also strengthens your relationship. Especially if he's married.

This turkey is bringing back memories of last night. I was fisted.

I wish my neighbors had a dog so I when I scream, "put a muzzle on that bitch!" they wouldn't jump to conclusions.

I have a talent. I see humor in everything. Especially in humor.

COUSIN: So, I was hanging out with William...

ME: SHATNER?!

COUSIN: Keep drinking, Sarah.

I think it's time we start referring to measurements of "a lot" as "hams."

How big was she?
Like 3 hams.

How was the concert?
5 hams!

Holy FUCK! Jay Leno is balls deep in unfunny.

How do you get your recently deceased uncle's DNA off of your shirt? No, I'm not asking for a friend and this has nothing to do with blood.

Pro tip: If you're laughing, you don't have to say, "that's funny."

I have to interact with someone in real life in about 5 minutes.

(chews anxiety pills)

I just shut the lights off on people in a public bathroom.

I've been trying to queef for the past half hour with no success. Now I'm just walking around the apartment blowing random vag poofs.