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Just sang the Golden Girls theme song to my bottle of Xanax. They really ARE my pal and confidant
Like Rainman I'm about 2 make a notebook of times people hurt me.
I'm gonna need a big fucking notebook.
And a pen.
I can never find a pen.
Whichever one of you all has a voodoo doll of me STOP WITH THE KIDNEY STABS AND CARESS MY HAIR INSTEAD PLEASE.
Tweeps. Whitney was a MOTHER to a young girl. Lay off the lame jokes.
I highly doubt anyone wore a bra to the first Thanksgiving so WHY MUST I??
how's that saying go? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, get PUNCHED in the face, fucker!?
Public service announcement: cake vodka mixed with cream soda is EXACTLY like drinking a vanilla cupcake. YOU'RE WELCOME
I have this really cute quirk where I spend money without thinking about it & pay no attention to account balances. Isn't my hubby LUCKY?
He's gonna throw that ball away like a pregnant girlfriend! #tombrady
Oh yes plz, happily married people, continue putting pics of your lovely, romantic, sweet valentines gift SHIT on your Facebook.
I have issues with Taylor Swift too. Mostly her bangs. And also her lips. And music
HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TRAP MYSELF IN MY BATHROOM BEFORE I REALIZE LOTION IS SLIPPERY & DOESN'T MIX WELL WITH DOORKNOBS?
Driving home with a full propane tank that I'm certain will explode any moment, leading to my fiery death. I'm nothing if not rational
I'm very popular with my cats.
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