If there was a black character in Clue, the game would be called Solved.

The worst thing you can do to a woman is to not let her see the picture you just took of her.

Apparently, the bitch at my girlfriend's job was being such a bitch today because something, something, we hate her.

Is she hot?- A guy's reply to any story that starts with "This girl I know.."

Whoever designed No 1. pencils must've really fucked that up.

If that's his reaction to spinach, Popeye should never try cocaine.

I wonder if Batman checks the sky as much as I check my iPhone.

It's crazy how tornadoes know which states don't matter to us.

If you're going to question my credentials as a gynecologist get the hell out of my office van.

My slave name is "Daaaaaaaaad!".

When I'm sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve's house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.

I just banged 7 black guys trying to keep up with the Kardashians.

Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

If you kill the head Kardashian do the rest of them turn back to normal?

Juicy Fruit, for when 15 seconds of flavor is just enough.

"I'm gonna cross 3/4 of the street, then turn around and go back for no fucking reason." -Squirrels

My African sponsor child sent me 75 cents after seeing a picture of my apartment.

Being molested by a teacher is twice as bad for home-schooled kids.

Haha my son fell asleep, idiot! pic.twitter.com/f5hB3xYD

"No thanks, I just ate." -No dog, ever