My hamster died today... He fell asleep at the wheel.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

You can't fool people all the time, but airplane schedules come pretty close.

The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, its not like your a giant fucking turtle or anything.

You'd think fish would be super ripped from swimming 24/7...

Some people are able to spread cheer wherever they don't go.

a snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself.
Or to put it in another way, sometimes scientists get bored.

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

An auctioneer often looks forbidding.

Don't you EVER cook alphabet soup on the stove and then leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

Procrastination; because good things come to those who wait.

Some accidents are caused by two motorists aiming at the same pedestrian.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If I ever took over the world, I'd want my minions to be furbys.

Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name.

Coincidence? I think not.

ARBITRATOR (ar'-bi-tray'-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King.

My plan for the weekend is to call everyone "fuckaluffagus" and see how long it takes to get stabbed.