Hey bitch behind the counter, I'm sorry I made you do your job. Maybe you shoulda graduated.

Slut.

Alfred Hitchcock would love Angry Birds.

Is William Shatner the past version of William Shitner?

Drunk wife will be home soon. I have to set up camcorder & elaborate maze of toys & other miscellaneous crap for her to drunk dance through.

Dear artichoke,

What the hell are you?


-Sincerely everybody.

Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.

KFC's new commercial asks us, what part of the chicken is 'nugget?'
I ask KFC, what the fuck part of the chicken is 'popcorn?'

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, I want my.....



-Charles & Anne Lindbergh

Arnold Swartzenegger could have avoided this whole scandal had he just hired Casey Anthony for a babysitter.

My spirit animal is the finger in the middle.

Hollywood, while you were out, fucking originality called.



This is a call you need to return.

Hey 400 lb. lady in the motorized wheelchair blocking the entire aisle at Wal-Mart, you ARE the exalted queen of the trailer park right?

I used to live with two girls as my roommates, but one day they pulled out one cup, and I moved the fuck out after that shit.

One of the kids peed on the toilet seat, so I pissed in his macaroni & cheese.
Too much?

While playing cards & drinking. I hope I don't get so drunk, I run around the circle naked playing, duck, duck, mushroom stamp.

I would never be able to nail a Chinese chick.
I would just wanna fuck again in 20 minutes.

How many licks does it take to get to the center.........



wait...who the fuck is still eating Tootsie Roll Pops?

My pet unicorn just shit a pile of Bacon.



I win.

My superpower is staying in a perpetual state of fuckedover-edness.

This day needs more blowing shit up.