Hey bitch behind the counter, I'm sorry I made you do your job. Maybe you shoulda graduated.

Slut.

Alfred Hitchcock would love Angry Birds.

KFC's new commercial asks us, what part of the chicken is 'nugget?'
I ask KFC, what the fuck part of the chicken is 'popcorn?'

My pet unicorn just shit a pile of Bacon.



I win.

Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.

Is William Shatner the past version of William Shitner?

I used to live with two girls as my roommates, but one day they pulled out one cup, and I moved the fuck out after that shit.

Drunk wife will be home soon. I have to set up camcorder & elaborate maze of toys & other miscellaneous crap for her to drunk dance through.

Dear artichoke,

What the hell are you?


-Sincerely everybody.

Hollywood, while you were out, fucking originality called.



This is a call you need to return.

Flipping through a catalog and came across a VHS player and now I don't fucking know what year this is.

If Scott Baio died, who the hell is in charge now?

If stupidity grew on trees, I'm fairly certain we're all in the middle of the forest.

I like to walk into strange biker bars and order chocolate milk.

Even though I'm getting married in a couple if hours, I'm kind of sad saying goodbye to a dear old friend.









R.I.P. Blowjob

One of the kids peed on the toilet seat, so I pissed in his macaroni & cheese.
Too much?

Anybody got a place to hide a hypothetically dead hooker?






-Asking for a curious friend

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, I want my.....



-Charles & Anne Lindbergh

My spirit animal is the finger in the middle.

When someone asks to borrow my phone, I put a bullet between their eyes and chop off their head and burn their body. It's easier.