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Hey bitch behind the counter, I'm sorry I made you do your job. Maybe you shoulda graduated.
Alfred Hitchcock would love Angry Birds.
Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.
Is William Shatner the past version of William Shitner?
KFC's new commercial asks us, what part of the chicken is 'nugget?'
I ask KFC, what the fuck part of the chicken is 'popcorn?'
My pet unicorn just shit a pile of Bacon.
What the hell are you?
Drunk wife will be home soon. I have to set up camcorder & elaborate maze of toys & other miscellaneous crap for her to drunk dance through.
I used to live with two girls as my roommates, but one day they pulled out one cup, and I moved the fuck out after that shit.
One of the kids peed on the toilet seat, so I pissed in his macaroni & cheese.
This day needs more blowing shit up.
If stupidity grew on trees, I'm fairly certain we're all in the middle of the forest.
My spirit animal is the finger in the middle.
Hollywood, while you were out, fucking originality called.
This is a call you need to return.
Even though I'm getting married in a couple if hours, I'm kind of sad saying goodbye to a dear old friend.
If Scott Baio died, who the hell is in charge now?
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, I want my.....
-Charles & Anne Lindbergh
Flipping through a catalog and came across a VHS player and now I don't fucking know what year this is.
Don't walk across the street looking at your phone while I'm driving down the street looking at my phone.
I like to walk into strange biker bars and order chocolate milk.
I may actually tweet something funny. I also might wear your vagina like a hat.