Do you want to make money out of social networking?
Step 1. Go to 'settings'
Step 2. 'Deactivate your account'
Step 3. Go to fuckin work!

"Get your fax straight!" - a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

I think people should say grace before going down on a woman.

Just because I have breast implants doesn't make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

'Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's surgery'

Everytime I get a retweet my therapist gets a cancellation. Keep up the good work. I prefer spending the money on drugs. I love you all.

A Star re-affirms my faith a RT makes me cum

I cant wait to be the first person to open a rehab for Twitter addicts! It's gonna have 140 steps bitches!

I'm taking Usain Bolt shoplifting with me.

I just thought of the Best tweet in the world but forgot it so this is a tribute.

The 'recommended dose' is for pussies.

There's going to be a huge line outside Whitney Houston's funeral next week.Which coincidentally is what killed her. THAT'S IRONY ALANIS!

Spent the evening on WebMD and now I have everything.

We'd have so much in common if you were funny.

No offence but waking up when America is asleep makes my timeline want to commit suicide out of boredom.

Monkey died slipping on a banana skin. THATS IRONIC ALANIS

I'll marry a gay dude. Fuck it I'll marry a horse. Just propose.

Do people set up multiple Twitter accounts for the extra validation or because they have really small willies?

When life gives you lemons. You're fucked.