YTD performance: $GOOG +28% and $AAPL -22%. Brace yourselves for the 13F filings!

I'm away from my desk right now. Will someone please look up what year we closed Guantánamo? Thx.

Who is providing these round-the-clock news people with their cocaine...er, FACTS...I meant to say their facts.

@conanobrien Woodchucking is a revenue-generating endeavor. Clusterchucking, on the other hand,...

What is this, an anteater for ants?!?! @petertanteater http://t.co/Yg0FR8zn

@sethmacfarlane That's malarkey.

Never guess whether a woman is pregnant. Count to ten. Resist the urge. There's no prize for being right.

And thanks for the sweet sax solo on "Who Can It Be Now" RT @colinhay: Rest In Peace Greg Ham. A few words from Colin: http://t.co/XzOL8ERU

Exxon Valdez? Nope. RT @basquiatball: Who was the most clutch tanker of the 90s?

Every time @borowitzreport leads with "BREAKING:" I know something I wish would happen is coming.

Friends don't let friends get interviewed on the street.

Wow! RT @blogsofwar: RT @rtlondonbureau: First image of one of the #Woolwich attackers : TERRORIST PICTURE FROM ITV pic.twitter.com/piGe1X2X5Z

Karl Rove when asked who he would like to see as the next Fed chair: "Milton Friedman, but he's dead." #salt2013 @saltconference

If Uncle Ruslan were the @lakers head coach, @kobebryant would have snapped 3 Achilles tendons.

Keep streaming those movies, kids. Daddy's portfolio likes it. $NFLX

Apply lotion directly to burned areas. pic.twitter.com/T5sh9heF (h/t @samir)

@zerohedge pic.twitter.com/HWu0Rkbl

@reformedbroker Imagine the convos Mr Furley would overhear/misinterpret while repair the sink in an adjacent apartment.

@fear_la Why don't you just say the Lakers won't win the championship this year and cut out the middle man?

someone please embroider this on a fuzzy sweater RT @yassir_lester: Fiscal Cliff Huxtable