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I want a bf but I'm never in the mood for dating around, I'd totally go on a date if it meant we could stay at home in sweats and have sex.
I really want an ambien but I'm scared I might go sleep fuck the homeless guy outside.
Grocery stores have the best playlists! I just got to experience the best solo dance party down the cereal aisle.
I'll have whatever Amanda Bynes is having…
I like a man with great child-bearing hips.
I want your bed to be our bed.
I base 95% of my major life decisions on what my horoscope says.
...not workin' out that great.
I used to fuck 20-year-olds til' I found out that 30-year-olds know how to get it done right so I don't fuck with 20-year-olds anymore.
If I get a pregnancy for valentines day I'm gonna be so pissed.
It only takes 1 xanax and 3 orgasms to push me into the realm of pure blissful sleep.
All I want is a super hot, tall guy to take me to a 5 star secluded resort on some island and fuck me on our private balcony over the water.
Every time I get more than like 25 followers in one night I naturally wonder which one of my exes leaked a naked pic, I can't be THAT funny.
If you put a beard on a pumpkin I'd probably try to fuck it.