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Husband says to wife "bet you can't piss me off and make me happy at the same time" wife says "Your dick is bigger then your brothers".
If they put box tops on cases of beer, our kids would win computers for the whole school!
Q. Whats the difference between a sin and a shame?
A. Its a sin to put it in and its a shame to take it out.
Before sex, you help each other get naked and after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story, No one helps you once your fucked.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn't talking about sneezing.
Hello weekend. I plan on using you like a cheap whore...don't worry, I'll be gentle.
a boy walks in on his parents having sex. Dad says "we're making you a sibling". Boy replies "do her doggie-style, I'd rather have a puppy"
At exactly what age do men stop finding it utterly hilarious every time they fart?
He thought because he hadn't heard from me it meant I wasn't interested. Why does it have to be so complicated?
#followfriday these are some of my fave tweeters: @jesse83 @mrsbeaverhausen @fuckitlibrarian @jason_maybe @mrfornicator
@glang24 Hope you are having fun with the competition. No one can rock your world like I can! ;)
Man: Can I get you a drink?
Lady: No, it's not good for my legs.
Man: Oh do they swell?
Lady: No, they spread.
I'm picturing myself screaming "oh Garrett, don't stop Garrett". @glang24
#toobaditsjustadream
Women have special powers. They get wet w/o water, They bleed w/o injury, They make boneless meat get hard, & make men eat with out cooking
@glang24 Keep tweeting. Seeing your beautiful face on my timeline makes me want to go spend some quality time with my B.O.B. #youarehot
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