A lady told a friend today that he wouldn't get into heaven with all his tattoos. He told her she wasn't going there either being a bitch.

Treat me right, and I'll treat you the same. Treat me like a game, and I'll show you how that shit is played.

Forget the big bang theory, I prefer the gang bang theory.

Twitter etiquette. Really? Motorboat me.

If you ask me to suck your penis, cock, or dick, we're good to go. If you say wiener, schlong, or sausage, fucking forget it.

Sometimes someone can be everything to you, but yours.

If you're going to DM me about sex the least you could do is use proper grammar. It's 'cum' on my tits, not 'come'.

When i blow a married man i make sure to wear my 'color stay' lipstick. That shit takes forever to wash off. Good luck.

Making fun of fat girls is so funny! You’re so clever. I know beautiful big women who get laid all the time. Douches like you, do not. Sad.

I lost my virginity when I was 15. His name was, Football Team.

My mom unfollowed me. What a cunt.

neighbors arguing again in their driveway. your husbands right brittany, you are a stupid bitch.

Your face is just the right size for taking a seat.

Whenever someone says, "Love is in the air!", I make sure to hold my breath 'til my face turns blue.

i just saw the same woman in a tampon and yeast infection commercial. bitch, i know way too much about your vagina now.

I've never been head over heels, but my heels have certainly been over my head. Countless times.

Just up from a nap. Drinking a beer while waiting for my leftover Chinese food to reheat. I live like a single man, fuck like one too.

if i have to suck that, then you're going to have to eat this.

Allow me to lick it before you stick it.

Thanks for DM'ing & letting me know I have nice big tits. Huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Here all this time I thought they were small.