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I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
Guys- If your girlfriend is friends with a guy, it doesn't mean she wants to fuck him... It means she already did & he was terrible.
TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?
Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?
TSA: why do u always do this?
A food-stamp mom yelled at me for picking up her cute baby. I was like "I pay for her! I can hold her if I want to!"
When it comes to erectile dysfunction, laughter is the WORST medicine.
Those little bumps around your nipples? That's braille for "suck me."
"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
If it looks like a duck, it's probably a dumb bitch taking pics of herself for FB.
It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.
"This is way too delicious. Let's ruin it." -People who put pineapple on pizza.
It's cute how my little flip flops from China make a "frip frop" sound when I walk in them.
Still don’t have a fucking clue where I’m supposed to put my arms when I sleep.
Gonna send my hamster thru the bank tube with a little ransom note & a tiny gun. I hope this works. I’m broke.
I don't believe girls when they tell me I'm pretty because I tell ugly girls they're pretty all the time.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore because she graduated from an online university.
I just took a First Response pregnancy test & all it said was, "Ew. Who fucked you?"
My car is on every bird's shit list.
Well doc, I don’t really have any symptoms. It’s just. *lowers shades* *raises eyebrow* I love bad bitches, that’s my fuckin problem.
The only time it's even remotely acceptable to shove a gerbil up your ass is if you're sending it to rescue the other one.