I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

Guys- If your girlfriend is friends with a guy, it doesn't mean she wants to fuck him... It means she already did & he was terrible.

TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?

Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?

TSA: why do u always do this?

A food-stamp mom yelled at me for picking up her cute baby. I was like "I pay for her! I can hold her if I want to!"

When it comes to erectile dysfunction, laughter is the WORST medicine.

Those little bumps around your nipples? That's braille for "suck me."

"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

If it looks like a duck, it's probably a dumb bitch taking pics of herself for FB.

It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

"This is way too delicious. Let's ruin it." -People who put pineapple on pizza.

It's cute how my little flip flops from China make a "frip frop" sound when I walk in them.

Still don’t have a fucking clue where I’m supposed to put my arms when I sleep.

Gonna send my hamster thru the bank tube with a little ransom note & a tiny gun. I hope this works. I’m broke.

I don't believe girls when they tell me I'm pretty because I tell ugly girls they're pretty all the time.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore because she graduated from an online university.

I just took a First Response pregnancy test & all it said was, "Ew. Who fucked you?"

My car is on every bird's shit list.

Well doc, I don’t really have any symptoms. It’s just. *lowers shades* *raises eyebrow* I love bad bitches, that’s my fuckin problem.

"Yo, this turtle eats right outta my hand." -Vin Diesel smashing a sandwich into a VCR #VinDieselSunday

The only time it's even remotely acceptable to shove a gerbil up your ass is if you're sending it to rescue the other one.