Everything's an energy drink if you put cocaine in it.

Don't run with scissors, and don't scissor someone with the runs.

Replace your wife's oven mitts with Hulk Hands

Do NOT even fucking try to convince me for one second that your dog is a reindeer with those fake antlers.

Going thru my sexual history is like going thru a haunted house U expect a couple scares, but u didnt see ur stepdad Terry hiding at the end

It's a new year! Check out my collection of "The Funniest Dudes You Should Be Following in 2013" on Funny or Die  http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/7ooa 

A big thank you to all the ladies who made the "Funniest Women You Should Be Following IN 2013" on Funny or Die  http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/7of5 

Rap stars make so many promises in their lyrics about how great their sex will be I might just give it a try.

Cigarettes? Check. Grit stache? Check. Iron Maiden t-shirt? Check. You, my friend, are officially set to get that wallet chain you've wanted

From now on, when my excessive drinking causes me to "black out" I will refer to it as a power outage and claim I did something with Beyonce

One time I texted a girlfriend "I love you" and she responded "lol"

COME TO THE CLUB TONIGHT: 18 TO PARTY! 21 TO DRINK! 24 TO START A FIST FIGHT! 27 TO CRADLE ROB! 30 TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BEING THERE!

Chill out with the ripped jeans, guys named Dusty.

What if there are such things as sperm ghosts and your sock drawer is crazy haunted right now?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson drinking vodka on the rocks across the table from Chris Rock at the Hard Rock Cafe. Topic of discussion? Rockets.

"Okay Tigger, you can have one TINY drip of my honey"-Winnie the Jew

No thanks, adult women with pigtails.

Divorced dads were fraternity presidents.

As if clown posses weren't insane already.

Sometimes I go to bars and start pretending I was on a season from "The Real World". You know, mostly for the chicks and free booze.