Does anyone else just make snow angels on their bed trying to find their phone?

Google says i might need surgery, everyone else just told me to take advil

Can we talk about why colonel is pronounced like kernel?

"Fuck this counter" - me. After i run into it

if confetti fell on me when i did something better than average i think i would try more in life

i wish europe was a real place

How come people in AA are the farthest thing away from being anonymous? Those people love talking about it

looked up how to become a stripper today, so let's just say my life is right on track

my therapist told me i was funny today so i think i might start doing stand up

i finally made up my mind. AND i wanna be korean

If you guys think about it... thinking is so weird it's like talking to yourself, but in your mind. Seriously think about it

I notice myself saying "fuck off" a lot when I'm on doing everything besides twitter

It is normal to be so deep in facebook that you're looking at wedding pictures of people you have never met right? Jamaica looked fun too.

I can't even imagine what it's like to be a morning person

if there was a job where you sang all the time, sang bad all the time, and talked to yourself. i would be soo good at that job.

I like it when people are telling jokes and someone just takes it way too far for everyone in the room besides for me, I love those moments

I wish i had an accent so there was something going for me

Guys I think I did something really wrong, my dog won't look me in the eyes

It's one of those drink as much as I can nights

Are raisins the old people of grapes?