Mom:"When are you gonna use the twitter to make some money?"
Me:"Right after I find out how to use it for sex."
Priorities Mother.

To me a denim jacket screams "I like my beer in a can and my porno on VHS"

I drank a couple of 5 hour energies and smoked some weed now I can yawn super fast!

Sorry hipster I was listening to a metal album created when you were in elementary school, you were saying?

Hell yes I like strangers more than my friends, strangers don't owe me money and usually have candy.

Time to drink until I wake up in one of three beds: 1. Fat girl 2. Hospital 3. Jail. Come on number 1.

You guys think about building a death ray and taking over the world every time a cat lies in your lap right?

It's so cute how every time my dog hears duct tape he thinks he's getting a new mommy. Adorable.

Still waiting for that trust fund baby with daddy issues to sweep me off my feet.

Just Balls is trending, does that mean Gaga is half-way through surgery?

The cat just got done cleaning herself so now I'm going to rub a dirty sock on her because sometimes it's fun to be an asshole to your pets.

I want to be surrounded by people with Bluetooth earpieces during the zombie apocalypse because those people can annoy anything to death.

Hanging out with Mom today, which means I'm smoking weed in the backyard while she tries to convince me I'm gay. Real healthy relationship.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a bunny, unlimited access to bunny ears but no hands to pet them with. That's torture.

JUST GOT A DOLLAR OFF COUPON AT RITE AID FOR BUYING CAPRI SUN THIS DAY IS OFF THE FUCKING HOOK ALREADY!

Ladies in case you couldn't tell by my bedazzled slap-bracelet, I'm totally DTF.

Sometimes I start working and I think 'fuck it, it's not like I'm solving world hunger' then I write stupid shit like this.

I just learned how to use a carpet shampooer which I'm pretty sure qualifies me for Most Eligible Bachelor somewhere.

2012 Resolutions: 1. Do not become a millionaire. 2. Do not move to Costa Rica. If I'm just going to break them they might as well be good.

The light in my hallway went out and I still made it to my bedroom without stubbing my toe so if you need a wilderness guide I'm your man.