The UPS guy just did a donut in the parking lot after he dropped off some boxes. Yes... It's Friday.

just knowing that Monday is near makes Sunday suck almost as much as Monday does.

In Soviet Russia... Mondays hate YOU.

I just saw a guy on Facebook that put "tanning" as an activity. I'll bet he's waiting for Jersey Shore to call.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

TSA agent: "For your safety, please face the other direction and then look back over your shoulder at me as if you've done something wrong."

It must suck to get rejected by both Sesame Street and Russell Brand in the same year.

I thought about going as a crazy cat lady for halloween, but I kinda want to dress up this year.

I could have tiled my bathroom with the amount of Ghirardelli Squares I just ate.

That was totally offensive, uncalled for, crude, and made me throw up in my mouth. Star.

So, today we have learned that alcohol is my favorite condiment.

Frappy Hiday!!! Oh.. that's not right... oh well It's Hiday, who gives a damn?

We're really not playing phone tag. I'm ignoring your call and intentionally calling you back when I know you can't answer.

Lindsay Lohan is already checking out of the Neuropsychiatric hospital??? It sounds like Brittney is better at being crazy than she is.

I can't look at 'lol' the same way. Everytime I see it I picture that little stick guy drowning in the red squiggly sea of bad grammar. lol

I use my appendix more than I use my treadmill.

Just downed a 40 with my mom and her cousin. It was beautiful.

We need to stop all these Segway jokes! What's a good segway?

I like to recycle. My latest idea involves recycling old two-slotted toasters you can't fit bagels into and using them as kids bath toys.

If you can read this... then you probably should get to work.