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Accidentally liked someone’s photo while stalking them? The best thing to do is to throw your phone away and set yourself on fire.
The girls who tweet their horoscopes every day are the same girls you find covered in blue WKD and crying in the toilet before midnight.
All food I buy should read: "Serving size: probably the whole thing in less than half an hour, you fat fuck."
Adding ‘haha’ to the end of a message to try and sound less of a heartless bitch.
If by 'plus one' you mean handbag vodka then yes, I will bring be bringing a plus one to your kid's stupid fucking christening.
It only takes one dickhead to make you realise that, inherently, you're a vindictive bitch at heart.
I love how they put expiry dates on boxes of celebrations, like I won’t have eaten the whole contents within an hour of getting home.
I'm more emotionally invested in food than I am most humans.
Not everyone is going to love you. Most people don't even love themselves.
Thou shalt not judge for thou hast fucked up in the past also.
Feeling so stressed at how much you need to do, you just close the laptop and start drinking.
Some things are better left unsaid. Vodka: "no they're not."
Someone, somewhere is sat there thinking what a wonderful impact you've made on their life.
It's not me though. I think you're an arsehole.
Life is SO unfair. Why does eating make you fat? Bullying people should make you fat. Being a gobshite should make you fat. Why eating?
I've made a lot of mistakes but I definitely have my favourites.
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