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Accidentally liked someone’s photo while stalking them? The best thing to do is to throw your phone away and set yourself on fire.
The girls who tweet their horoscopes every day are the same girls you find covered in blue WKD and crying in the toilet before midnight.
All food I buy should read: "Serving size: probably the whole thing in less than half an hour, you fat fuck."
If by 'plus one' you mean handbag vodka then yes, I will bring be bringing a plus one to your kid's stupid fucking christening.
It only takes one dickhead to make you realise that, inherently, you're a vindictive bitch at heart.
I love how they put expiry dates on boxes of celebrations, like I won’t have eaten the whole contents within an hour of getting home.
Not everyone is going to love you. Most people don't even love themselves.
Thou shalt not judge for thou hast fucked up in the past also.
Some things are better left unsaid. Vodka: "no they're not."
I reckon if Taylor Swift wasn't famous she'd be a fucking nightmare on Facebook
You can't please everyone. Some people will watch you walk on water and say it's because you can't swim.
*New Post* Carrie Bradshaw is a dick. http://scarletwonderland.com/carrie-bradshaw-is-a-dick …
Do you ever wish you could go to jail for a year. Just to get shredded and catch up on your reading?
I haven't been drunk in so long I've forgotten what it's like to love everyone
In alcohol's defence I make a lot of questionable decisions sober too.
Break her bed, not her heart.
I've made a lot of mistakes but I definitely have my favourites.
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