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I could absolutely be a Victoria's Secret model... I mean, provided I could stop planning my next meal before my current one is over.
Feeling so stressed at how much you need to do, you just close the laptop and start drinking.
I wouldn't be so rushed all the time if I could just reclaim the time I've spent trying to make it look like my dog's taking a selfie.
Nothing will ever make you feel as soul destroyingly self conscious as you do when people are singing happy birthday to you in a restaurant.
If she replies to the question "What's wrong?" with "Nothing I'm just tired" she really means, "You're what's wrong. Dickhead."
"People say I'm the life of the party 'cos I tell a joke or two..." Then three, and four. Then it starts to get awkward...
I have a constant dilemma when sending texts: Not putting an exclamation point and looking unenthusiastic, or putting one and hating myself.
Some of the statuses on Facebook are fascinating. I never knew there was so many ways to say, ‘give me attention’.
Gobshite is as gobshite does.
My fridge has one of those magic drawers that you put vegetables in and they turn into some rotten mess a month later.
I hate it when people say they don't drink because they 'tried it once and being drunk was horrible'. You're doing it wrong. Try again.
I'd rather enter the hunger games than try on my skinny jeans the day after pancake day.
'Let's meet up for a quiet drink and a catch up' = let's get blackout drunk and spill all our secrets
So much of my life is spent having an internal debate as to how many times I can say "pardon" before just having to agree with you.
Stay away from Facebook today, the forecast is excessive pictures of flowers and inappropriate public use of pet names.
I'm a firm believer that forgetting your water bottle for the gym is the universe telling you to go home & eat a family bag of kettle crisps
I'm only sending this tweet to look busy cos there's someone I recognise on this train and I have a morbid fear of awkward small talk.