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Feeling so stressed at how much you need to do, you just close the laptop and start drinking.
I wouldn't be so rushed all the time if I could just reclaim the time I've spent trying to make it look like my dog's taking a selfie.
Nothing will ever make you feel as soul destroyingly self conscious as you do when people are singing happy birthday to you in a restaurant.
'Let's meet up for a quiet drink and a catch up' = let's get blackout drunk and spill all our secrets
So much of my life is spent having an internal debate as to how many times I can say "pardon" before just having to agree with you.
Stay away from Facebook today, the forecast is excessive pictures of flowers and inappropriate public use of pet names.
Proof-reading your last text and wondering if there's a diet out there that just focuses on making your fingers less fat.
If I was stranded on a desert island and I could only take one thing I loved with me, I'm pretty sure i'd take carbohydrates.
I can't visit my nan without coming home with a random item of clothing, a half full box of chocolates and at least three spare inhalers.
Today I'm drinking nothing but green tea. It's every bit as awful as it sounds.
The photos on my phone are 10% notes I have to remember, 10% pictures of road signs with funny names and 80% selfies with my dog..
Gobshite is as gobshite does.
"And on the sixth day, god made carbohydrates. And it was good."
"A rogue wool had escaped from concert square" - Too funny. @scousebirdprobs reviews @templebarlpool &meeting @dannyo http://drinkinliverpool.co.uk/scouse-bird-reviews-temple-bar-danny-o-night/ …
I'd rather enter the hunger games than try on my skinny jeans the day after pancake day.
I don't know what depresses me more; couples with a joint Facebook profile or someone who's made a Facebook profile for their pet.
I'd get so much more done if could reclaim the time I spend walking into a room then trying to figure out why I'm there.
This world is made up of all sorts of people. The absolute worst are the ones that breathe heavily on public transport.
My freestyle rap career didn't work out, so I made a blog instead...