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Accidentally liked someone’s photo while stalking them? The best thing to do is to throw your phone away and set yourself on fire.
The girls who tweet their horoscopes every day are the same girls you find covered in blue WKD and crying in the toilet before midnight.
All food I buy should read: "Serving size: probably the whole thing in less than half an hour, you fat fuck."
If by 'plus one' you mean handbag vodka then yes, I will bring be bringing a plus one to your kid's stupid fucking christening.
It only takes one dickhead to make you realise that, inherently, you're a vindictive bitch at heart.
I love how they put expiry dates on boxes of celebrations, like I won’t have eaten the whole contents within an hour of getting home.
Not everyone is going to love you. Most people don't even love themselves.
Thou shalt not judge for thou hast fucked up in the past also.
Break her bed, not her heart.
I just want someone to look at me the same way I look at a pot noodle butty when I'm hungover
This courgetti tastes like lies
Spent two hours watching YouTube evidence of big foot last night if anyone wants to be my valentine?
New post: Something ridiculous has happened. http://scarletwonderland.com/something-ridiculous-has-happened …
I can't wait to spend the next two weeks scraping raw pancake batter off my kitchen ceiling
I haven't been drunk in so long I've forgotten what it's like to love everyone
Is it really so much to ask for me to be able to Skype my dog on my lunch hour?
I've made a lot of mistakes but I definitely have my favourites.
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