Today my puppy threw up on my pillow then butted me, so happy Wednesday everyone

Anyone who puts "happily married" as their middle name on Facebook doesn't deserve access to the internet.

"Is vodka a carb if it's made from potatoes?" #ShitIAskMyBoyfriend

Tonight I got drunk in my parents house and watched American Pie. Because apparently I'm 15 again.

The human brain is amazing, it works 24 hrs a day 7 days a week from the day you're born right up until you fall in love... or discover rum.

Reading up on how to use meditation and herbal tea to relieve stress. Only messing, I'm on my fourth rum.

I attempted some easy bake muffins tonight. There's another thing to add to the list of things I fail at: pic.twitter.com/HiGM85YC7k

According to my pedometer I watched telly and failed at life for over 3 miles this weekend

Up until this morning I was under the impression 'twerking' was a Greek side dish

...the premise is basically just David Attenborough narrating me as I remain horizontal and yell for water for 120 minutes.

Working on my new screenplay called "The Hungover Games"...

If he doesn't know who loves orange soda, he's definitely too young for you.

Nothing more refreshing than starting your day by ripping out a washing machine without turning the water off.

Sure, when Gwyneth Paltrow goes to work in her scruffs it's "shabby-chic realness" but when I do everyone's all "are you depressed again?"

According to my Google history, I searched for "dogs in human clothes" at 3.30am last night. Just an insight into my mental state right now.

No matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

Ahh Sundays; the day we set aside to reevaluate our lives

Lost my purse in a nightclub last night - along with any last shreds of dignity and self respect.

I've had two redbulls in twenty minutes and now I can hear colours.

The first thing I do when I wake up is check Instagram... just in case I missed any important photos of my friends nails or breakfast.