I'm ready to get paid back for the good things I did. Any time now. Right now is still a good time. Or even now.

It's more fun if you read every tweet like it's a gravestone epitaph.

My self esteem is finally high enough that I believe my suicide would matter. Therapy success!

Do I throw a glass of water on this cackling woman to see if she melts, or do I lift her up to see if she's laid an egg?

I accidentally kicked an empty Coke can into the air while getting off the bus. 5 polar bears sprang into action.

Hallmark must be pulling in a shitload off the stuff you guys do here. And Satan.

Because of chapped lips, I can really empathize with Iranian human rights repression victims today.

Hey, bag blowing in the middle of the road, wish I was as excited as you are.

Have they bred a dog yet that can hygienically lick the dishes clean? Until then, only second best friend.

Would it be too conspicuous to bring a board game to tomorrow's 2 1/2 hour meeting?

Wondering if my Somali cab driver fully appreciates this radio program about helping your dog avoid low self esteem.

If this is as good as it gets, I'm going to have some follow-up questions about the drugs and whoring.

Definition of "discipline":
There's an exit sign directly in front of me all day at work.

The soundtrack of my life is heavy sighing and garbage disposal.

I always seem to do things for the wrong reasons: eat salads for the cheese, go to the funeral to make sure she's dead.

Gravity demands my worship. Still in bed.

Cab driver said he doesn't understand why people don't carry cash, so I robbed him.

I have assigned a guffaw, squeal, chortle, or snort to each of your stars, so please do not rearrange them.

All I really need to know I learned from telemarketers.

The bartender called me "cupcake." After I shove him into this paper cup, I'll just pop him into a 350° oven.