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We gain a Kardashian and lose Tony Soprano. The circle of life has a shitty exchange rate.
It's sexy to watch girls eat bananas because you know the potassium will prevent cramps while they make your sandwich.
Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.
If The Breakfast Club were made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phones.
Glee is just gay Saved by the Bell.
I wouldn't say I'm lonely, but sometimes I tap the brakes just to make my seatbelt hug me tighter.
Girls who "know the DJ" are usually quite familiar with the BJ.
Cock-blocking is the adult version of pausing Super Mario Bros. when your friend is in the middle of a jump.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Not all porn pays well, but people who do anal scenes earn a butt-load.
Fat girls could solve all their problems if they tried as hard to fit into running shoes as they do skinny jeans.
Wearing a fanny pack should grant you access to men's AND women's restrooms because sexuality clearly doesn't matter to you.
Given today's gas prices, Ludacris should consider finding hoes in the same area code.
It sucks when you want to like someone, but then you hear them refer to "milk" as "melk."
Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove feces from our anuses.
Remember, kids: Planking is a very dangerous activity. Because I want to murder people who do it.
Manti Te'o will meet even faker girls once he's an NFL millionaire.
I'm starting a band called LinkedIn Park. We'll play obnoxious rap metal about invitations and reminders.
The worst thing about rollerblading as a black kid is having no dad to tell you're gay.
Funny Or Die's Director of Social Media and plus-sized hand model. I believe one's character is best revealed by their reverence for Patrick Duffy.
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