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  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f.

    Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.

    • 3,663
    • FAVS
    bamberdllAndLive2LoveSamzen_Purpell_Nurpellrumandrockstheworld4realzMrDragon182LeaMehanna
    • 3,770
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoventhokiieySamzen_rumandrocksteens_kMrDragon182TinaGrimesgee911
    Samzen_DaveWeaselBillFienbergMoldy_JellybeanDesfragmentarioTheKommandantthatUPSdudeElephartflipthistweetLeeryLearyOhSweetCharityilluminatedwndrTuna_LoverStevie_TalkActingAnEejitTeeter_TotterPeaceInTruth1Sam19eightymikes_mikesBarebakAssassinwannajuanamojo_bones_prontopupDiganMarcelacynicuhlTheAdlyEFFFFFFYOUAyMujeresFormerGruntTitaniumToplassMoistPorkHotComesToDieKindOfASmartassFallun_AngelJaymayAllDayoffsidebastard
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Toaster settings:

    No.1: "I do nothing."
    No.2: "I do nothing."
    No.3: "I do nothing."
    No.4: "I SET BREAD ON FIRE!"

    • 2,608
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkSamzen_BitchIzzBackBillArrundaleAlex_LaValleePurpell_Nurpell_AliveandKickinLuckoftheDraw86
    • 1,812
    • RETWEETS
    BitchIzzBackDougS2077_AliveandKickinLBuck65sunset_projklavinpdubya58assliveCna
    GoofpoopsBlazedDonutsShock_MonsterSunnyGirl1717Marty3point0NoorShammacrayan9Ham_Tornadoajellis3iamfaseRummyLaudedtanglemediathenamesmikeGcomedyfish
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

    - White.
    - Good condition.
    - Reliable.
    - Cheap.
    - Some evidence of rear end damage.

    • 2,531
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkSamzen_stevendinanCarney1958BillArrundaleN0pantzOG_Morgasmventivodkacran
    • 1,226
    • RETWEETS
    BillArrundalegbeckyhudsonInkedLestrangeUndercoverPizzawesleybordelonJnani_ohrzaroscopseudofauxme
    _wangweFGsPlayThingloopyloupzeninmakinglife_suckerJuiceticlesDocBrown21FalsaPelirrojaSchgot89One_FineMessC_J_CommodeJonCantTweetdsmitty62HairyJew4LifewheatnikPlatinumShowerrydontcare
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    My favorite position is called ‘The Zombie’.

    I just lie back and get eaten.

    • 2,303
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkSamzen_BillArrundaleFucker_of_MomsTheMightyFoolSupersurlyrichardhodges11danlak3
    • 1,118
    • RETWEETS
    LeboShmooveBillArrundaleTJCrow28BarW38LeroyTeeCourtnieMaeCrayAnnaQTX1DeepinURtonsils
    PainInTheTwatBonaFideIntentgoolickerowlbacondannydogmouthbonitasnalgasAquilitrosmeaganbb1FSUSteveAndrewR31offsidebastardCliffaluswheatnikvenomjunkie2BoucheDag2k
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    My boyfriend asked for anal, so I alphabetized his DVD collection.

    • 2,126
    • FAVS
    Samzen_stevendinanThe_Rain_Man_lovelylasereyesBillArrundaleventivodkacranUberPakijunbearandthe
    • 1,048
    • RETWEETS
    BillArrundaleWhiteGirlSuzyUndercoverPizzabillie2193BareChestyHumsy3BigBBanterpkninjaz
    FirawesomethisalexsteinElephartbazlyonssuper_morgasmthedailymarkerfarleftcoastWickedSicaBarebakAssassinKidFreeLivingOne_FineMessdeKenstructionpagdalenaCroweJamiamyourguyJuliaChildCIA_ShizzleClosestThing
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Karen on Facebook changed her relationship status to…

    "It's complicated."

    No, Karen. String theory is complicated. You're just a whore.

    • 2,065
    • FAVS
    ASpzsSamzen_JackieLivezdixie_lee_peascraiggander83melissaaglzbreccolistevendinan
    • 1,647
    • RETWEETS
    BeroKokethaEsvictorvaleCarolinaaHdezVictoria_nunoDannieLRahziFuckingheroinecraiggander83LPlancarteM
    buthonestlygirlinconsequentia2ashleycremAnita_napartemis_acecynicuhlBarely_hinged_correctomundoBoucheDag2kSergioValenCo
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Depressed?
    Take a nap.

    Lonely?
    Take a nap.

    Money troubles?
    Take a nap.

    Too much wine?
    Take a nap.


    Naps: Life's way of sorting shit out.

    • 1,915
    • FAVS
    Samzen_WhatsHerFace33BillArrundalelwhit_the_bossLyssAnthropetissytassy76tenacioust68Matty_Is_Epic
    • 1,933
    • RETWEETS
    AvatarWaangtenacioust68Matty_Is_EpicflipthistweetNeil_deKockUndercoverPizzaRandaEMeligyginformeplease
    littlekitnerboyDRAINxYOUcazzawndruhrachiecandice
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    I have a VAGINA!

    I also have a degree in applied mathematics from Cambridge University but men don't seem to care about that shit.

    VAGINA!

    • 1,844
    • FAVS
    Samzen_The_Rain_Man_thatboleyngirlThe91InternBillArrundalemediocregeeInkedLestrangeUndercoverPizza
    • 761
    • RETWEETS
    thatboleyngirlBillArrundaleUndercoverPizzaMaverickGamesSandyPeterzkarma82374LushBritEATironSHITgold
    sad_jake2loony1_xLNcoffsidebastardhijadescarriadaiTomFooleryPointBroke_rhi
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.

    • 1,828
    • FAVS
    Samzen_awfouadThe_Rain_Man_BillArrundaleventivodkacranUberPakimediocregeeInkedLestrange
    • 1,146
    • RETWEETS
    mklb1awfouadNermineMclifenouran_is_meThe_Rain_Man_daveroberts28gigi1333LadyPeyt_13
    siavaraEFFFFFFYOUkyledjackedheenanDeanB15Muath_tuPeaceInTruth1eTHEgoddessnoogscornerLewEvil
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

    • 1,746
    • FAVS
    Samzen_BillArrundaleShzigolJack_Wagon1captainolyaN0pantzventivodkacranPriya_27_
    • 1,710
    • RETWEETS
    Amowi_HaveYouMetJoeyUndercoverPizzaSanitaShimmykandibomberBK_TheRealistSixolileTimothyMiss_Beee
    BigBob24266joeljeffreyrachiecandicerevenge_tanukis
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Dear Men.

    When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for fuck's sake don't not ask her what's wrong either.

    Hope this helps.

    • 1,698
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkSamzen_TheLeZOomTootsieAKATootaThe_Rain_Man_BillArrundaleamandahope01N0pantz
    • 1,489
    • RETWEETS
    chelly_bananasTootsieAKATootaThe_Rain_Man_Incognitah_EdwardNigma1980aimzncYousreeenhhabib
    headstrong_girl_Ellsie_cixelsidgod5haelSlipCarefullyBudders88
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    I don't care if some people never follow me back. I read books all the time and the authors don't even know I've bought them.

    • 1,693
    • FAVS
    Samzen_The_Rain_Man_caribbeanajventivodkacranHollyMemphismediocregeeInkedLestrangeUndercoverPizza
    • 891
    • RETWEETS
    AshShah23Urbanplaytimecaribbeanaj406NorthlaneBobinhidingBareChestylouna377BusinesssBarbie
    kristenqFaisalAdam_imence2brakcoTheTennisPhenomKKAlThanigoolicker
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Girls,

    If your boyfriend has to ask you for a blowjob...

    You've failed.

    • 1,620
    • FAVS
    Samzen_The_Rain_Man_BillArrundaleAndrewmullins85caribbeanajOG_Morgasmventivodkacranmediocregee
    • 1,045
    • RETWEETS
    missNiKiNicoleitumashiloaneLeboShmooveBillArrundaleUrbanplaytimecaribbeanajUndercoverPizzasaraheliza83
    JonCantTweetDanKCharnleyNoisyUpThere
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Ever seen Cookie Monster’s feet?

    No!

    That’s diabetes for you.

    • 1,585
    • FAVS
    Samzen_stevendinanThe_Rain_Man_ElifcelloNelRock777TrueTorontoGirlnthensomeBillArrundale
    • 709
    • RETWEETS
    Ross_Boss11nthensomeBillArrundaleUndercoverPizzaDownAddictcurlyhairedblonThatRabidbuniJamesMurrayAZ
    BillArrundaleTitaniumToplassdeKenstructionSortaBadMauriceBlitzCountRockula2luv2luvme2JuliaEveHays
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Hey, boys!
    Sex tip:

    1. Buy an iPod Classic.

    2. Practice scrolling down to ZZ Top.

    • 1,566
    • FAVS
    Samzen_The_Rain_Man_trentgillaspieWilburnDanBillArrundaleventivodkacranmediocregeeInkedLestrange
    • 953
    • RETWEETS
    BillArrundale_LaylavanRooyenKyleMoserRFGuyTwisted_Mettle101Raceysaraheliza83itsmemistydawnMmeNazty
    Cali_Kid_MikeFirawesomeDiganMarcelamissmaynineedaballrubMaui_SpeakstoffernoogscorneruniglittertitsMothpetethisjasonscratchysinghrydontcaredeKenstructionPointBrokeSeanBlazedJoeyPositivity
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Two years ago I tried to kill myself… pic.twitter.com/IgcdizsSkE

    • 1,553
    • FAVS
    Samzen_kamtweetingSpotTheManiacCruisnKurtBillArrundaleMarkYoung2683TafadzwaNdemeraiamthepits
    • 1,291
    • RETWEETS
    ColliewockySpotTheManiaciamthepitsSummerNaziffouadelbatrawi82nd_StreetHardly_Memckpfeiffer
    SandyPeterz_UltimateTwitShePlaysLoudVanCityBlondearmyVet1972MaverickGamesSergioValenCoLoli_SugporkrimsenlilmissphillipsrachiecandiceJerryThomasrevenge_tanukiswestcoastgurlBarely_hingedflipthistweetMcSwtrvstPlaying_DadKKAlThani
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Karen on Facebook wants to know…

    "Why is it sooo windy?!"

    It's called weather, Karen, it's what happens when you live on a fucking planet.

    • 1,444
    • FAVS
    SFbrwneyedgirllSamzen_malloryhuserLorraine13YGrimsnyderRoothyM_Kate_Abbott_Talkinghands69
    • 1,170
    • RETWEETS
    Saif_AlSpst494GrimsnyderWh0_care5Yes_ImAmysssuffocati0nZdwg97Merah_Rose_
    thenoahkinsey101Racey_wangweDiscourtTheKommandant_correctomundo
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    It's strange that UFO sightings are less frequent now that we all carry HD video recording equipment with us 24/7.

    • 1,394
    • FAVS
    Samzen_TkHaddadThe_Rain_Man_dan_opprobodexPsychAvengerBillArrundalephilliphess
    • 2,661
    • RETWEETS
    ronaldroxxThe_Rain_Man_HaveYouMetJoeyPsychAvengerTru2007BillArrundalephilliphessroyal_queen32
    flipthistweetKindOfASmartassjimmy_sharpeSTOTLE
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Having a small dick is the leading cause of acting like a big one.

    • 1,313
    • FAVS
    Samzen_kcroxasstevendinanThe_Rain_Man_BillArrundaleEClip_Frenzygavinpivottventivodkacran
    • 1,111
    • RETWEETS
    Highwire4HollyMemphismisskerry_ZombieSprogFK_5dirtyERdocHoneyBaaBaaMrsMikePatton
    vajjiefbabykidphonicTallerThanATreeSchgot89
  • Schmoodles
      Jessica @Schmoodles

    Stupid people are way too fertile.

    • 1,281
    • FAVS
    Samzen_stevendinanFuckMonstersmklb1cherry__tartThe_Rain_Man_BillArrundaleAlias_of
    • 968
    • RETWEETS
    DanDanMcGReeceLewisFigoThe_Rain_Man_misskerry_DAVRUS234Great_Scott_1stlwhit_the_bosslilaahariana17
    prontopupTheLaremothebombdottcom
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@Schmoodles

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