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If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f.
Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
All horoscopes should just say, "Get your shit together."
Ever seen Cookie Monster’s feet?
That’s diabetes for you.
Tequila: because sometimes it's nice to wake up in strange places.
I don't like to kiss after giving a blowjob, because kissing strangers is gross.
If your name is Simon and you're not shouting "Simon says blowjob!" every time you speak, then you're basically just wasting your life.
Don't forget, it's very important to take Twitter seriously, because it's going to make us all famous & shit one day, you delusional idiots.
Your protector. Your companion. Your partner. Your sidekick. Your friend.
They tolerate your existence because you feed them.
80% of parenting is making a threat then counting to 3.
Don't surround yourself with negative people.
Don't surround yourself with positive people.
Surround yourself with alcohol.
Porn would be more realistic if…
1. A guy delivers a pizza.
2. A girl eats the pizza.
3. No sex.
4. The end.
Misery doesn't love company. Misery loves drinking vodka, eating cupcakes, and hiding behind the sofa when someone knocks on her door.
Alcohol runs your personality through an amplifier but puts a silencer on your common sense.
Alcohol is the rug that I sweep my problems under.
Sometimes I see a baby and think "Aww, I want one!" Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think "Yeah, maybe I'm not ready."
I've fallen off bar stools that were smarter than some of the men that buy me drinks.
Karen on Facebook says…
"Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :("
That's probably why your husband left, Karen.
Welcome to Twitter. The Sorting Hat will now assign you to one of the four Twitter houses: ●Cuntindor. ●Hufflepun ●Ravencock. ●Sluterin.