Please stop being nice to me because i will have to be nice back to you and that's fucking exhausting.

I have boobs therefore it is not acceptable for you to ignore me.

Survival tip: Do whatever you want, just don't fucking die.

Get naked or be funny.

Let's take a moment to remember those who unfollowed us. May they rot in hell.

Look, all I'm saying is you look like someone who ejaculates prematurely and I don't like that.

Something is wrong with everyone's Twitter. People don't seem to retweet me. Must be some bug needed to be fixed. I mean, I'm funny as hell.

Sex education should include how to act after sex. Men i've been with are so retarded they just went back home to their wives immediately.

This cute guy I just bumped into smiled at me. He's clearly into me right? I should probably tell my parents about him.

Funny how men think that they have a choice.

Judge me all you want. I've already judged you for being judgmental.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

"Get off me, go away. Where are you going?" - Women.

I'm very disappointed with Banana Republic as they have no initiative whatsoever to protect bananas. Bananas are being eaten for god sake.

Big shout out to sex for making boys fall in love with me.

The boy I ignored in elementary school just received a Nobel Prize in Physics and I just stole my mom's money for some beer. Life is good.

Just had two amazing Red Velvet cupcakes with milk. It was so good, I'm so happy and SO FAT I HATE MYSELF. FUCK YOU GET AWAY FROM ME.

I like to pretend I'm in a beer commercial by going to a bar, flirt with everyone then get super drunk and fuck a stranger in the bathroom.

Just had sex. I'm kidding. Sex is a myth.

Caught my BF cheating on me so I beat him up with a baseball bat. But it was raining & Jack Johnson was playing so it was kind of romantic.