I think DiGiornos view of the pizza delivery guy and his role in American society is wildly skewed.

I react the same way to walking into a spider-web as I would a Seal Team 6 ambush.

Contact Lenses: miniature yamakas for your eyeballs.

I'm pretty sure #Syncwithtwitter is the exact plot of terminator 5

Overreaction of the century goes to the guy who screamed "You're all out of fuckin' milk duds?" at cvs tonight.

When small talk starts turning into medium talk is when I start to panic.

A pillow with headphones built into it so you can sleep on your side comfortably while listening to music.

tried to break the ice with a nice girl today by asking "Did you like that class..just now..that we had..I'm in your class?" Smooth move Ru

I think my neck beard is giving the ladies mixed signals. They can't decide if it's creepy or just unattractive.

I wish I was excited about my future as much as Mcdonalds is excited about their new dipping sauces.

I wish I could have been there when Rick Ross thoughtfully took pen to paper and wrote: "my bitch bad lookin' like a bag of money"

Shit I think a squirrel sitting on the tree outside my window just saw my wiener.

In terms of emotionally charged hot and cold relationships, me and Trader Joe's have something special.

Dad: "Hey, Al, what's your date of birth? I'm filling out your voter registration. Welcome to the GOP." 100% actually just happened.

When do you use "then" and when do you use "than" and which religion is correct?

"Sorry we don't have milkshakes we only have Frosties" - Wendy's employee who needs to fucking relax with her ice cream treat nomenclature.

#2ChainzThanksgivingLyrics Bitches at my table, thermometer lookin perky, Left hand on that stuffing, RIGHT HAND ON THAT TURKEY.

heated beer pong arguments are always a little depressing.

everyone should start saying the word "literally" more often. It's way underused.

Here's how one of my pitchers in fantasy baseball did last night pic.twitter.com/ug7T7njmlK