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Wow, football and #GoldenGlobes on the same day. That's a lot for me to not give a shit about.
I'm giving up for Lent.
Warner Bros before Warner Hos.
Kristen Stewart cheated on Rob Pattinson with the director of Snow White?! That's like a holy trinity of people I don't give a shit about.
Windbreakers are basically fart references you can wear.
Please help me get 14 new followers by August 30. I need a miracle here, people.
Sure, he loves Cookies, but the reason they call him a Monster is because he raped and murdered 16 people at the Nabisco factory.
If chairs ever come to life, we're all fucked.
Kid Rock endorsed Mitt Romney today, but his 1993 song "Balls In Your Mouth" endorsed Rick Santorum.
The GOP just refused to applaud when Obama said there's nothing USA can't achieve. I don't have a joke for this, just an astonished look.
I need a woman who's a Coffee Bean in the streets and a Tea Leaf in the sheets. What?
Rick Perry says he'll always err on the side of life. Except in those 234 executions. But other than that, yeah, life. #tweetthepress
You're right, Dad: your next email forward about Obama being a Muslim who hates America is going to be the one that finally turns me around.
John Edwards, arching eyebrow: "And who is this Miss Trial I keep hearing about?"
"Can't we all just get a foot long?" --Rodney King for Subway
How could Garfield have been so right about Mondays, yet so wrong about movies?
"Saturday night's alright." --Lazy Elton John
"Hitler Youth" and "Teen Nick" are both trending right now. America is finally starting to connect the dots.