Been with my partner 18 amazing faithful years & can't get married & this 4-time divorcee is pontificating about the "sanctity of marriage?"

Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.

If you're obsessive compulsive and you know it, wash your hands!

The first rule of Culture Club is,
1) Do you really want to hurt me?

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible tweeter.

Facebook is where you convince your friends you have a life.

Twitter is where your friends reward you with trophies for not having one.

Leave a better planet for our children? How about leaving better children for our planet?

"I ate his face with some frijoles negros and a nice Sangria."

—Canibal Héctor

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, "Who Would Jesus Do"?

When flattery gets you nowhere, try cutlery.

Rohypnols are red.
Viagras are blue.
My van's got a bed.
And soundproofing too.

Stop calling them rednecks. It's as bad as calling Indians redskins. The PC term is NASCAR-Americans. Y'all.

Hamburger Helper. Because a severed hand told me to.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Got lost in an IKEA for a whole weekend. When they found me I was calling myself "Heidi" & waving a Swedish flag duvet.

Stockroom Syndrome

“Now is the winter of our discovery in cement.”
—Richard III

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Zoloft is the Greek God of Happiness

faking lowercase on the outside.
caps-locked on the inside.