Be a bad boy, but a good man.

Being poor white trash isn't always as glamourous as it sounds.

Tried the young man thing once. I'm 37 he was 19. I told him the nasty things I was going to do to him, he came in his pants. I went home.

Just had the best sex I've had in over 2 years! But I am probably gonna have to throw my big ladel away now.

If 7 more people follow me I will have 500 people ignoring me.

My vagina is wet, but I think she's just crying.

Someone sent me a DM askin to see my dick. So I sent them a pic of my ex husbands face.

You all tweet about politics like you aren't convicted felons and can still vote.

If you can't laugh at yourself life is gonna be a long, pothole infested road pal.

My ex and I only have oral sex now that we are seperated. I say "fuck you!" and he replies "fuck you too!"

Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.

Being a mom is hard in any situation, but if you know a single mother...do something nice or say a kind word to her today.

You can be silly, but don't be stupid. You can be witty, but don't be stupid. You can be funny, but don't be stupid. Stop being stupid.

Stop being such selfish cunts and help the less popular out. I dont mean me either. I dont give a fuck. I star the tweet not the tweeter.

Not really sure what the neighbors put in their trash can, but my dog was humping it like it was a prize winning poodle.

Youngest raised his head up at 5am, looked at me. I made a slicing motion across my throat and his little ass went back to sleep.

I'd ask one of you guys for a back rub, but it'd be 30 seconds of you pretending to, followed by 3 mins of sex & me pretending to like it.

My kids are such assholes. Neither one of them will let me borrow 4 bucks for cigarettes.

Thank you to my followers who stay even though I cant be funny and amazing with every tweet.

I think these ADHD meds my son takes are just a placebo. I have taken 3 and I dont feel anything except my hair growing.