It feels like it's 'fuck something up' o'clock. Again.

I'd rather have fortune than fame. I'd rather be comfortable than chic. And I'll take one spectacular man over 100 adoring, mediocre ones.

Vodka soaked tampons? Kinda gives a whole new meaning to 'drunk cunt'.

He has an aversion to the word "boyfriend" so I'm calling him my man bitch.

Give people a taste of their own medicine. That's my medical advice.

I'm in Hell trying to get a remodeling loan because my skeletons now require a walk-in closet.

Youngest raised his head up at 5am, looked at me. I made a slicing motion across my throat and his little ass went back to sleep.

Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.

Being poor white trash isn't always as glamourous as it sounds.

I'll take a vodka martini and a trophy, please.

I think these ADHD meds my son takes are just a placebo. I have taken 3 and I dont feel anything except my hair growing.

If 7 more people follow me I will have 500 people ignoring me.

Some days it feels as if humanity was an experiment that went horribly wrong.

I'm unfollowing everyone funnier than me.
So, it's gonna be just me and that dude that only writes one sentence tweets about panties.

I can tell that some of you were that kid that always got his head stuck in the arm hole of his shirt.

Be a bad boy, but a good man.

I'll star who i like. I'll retweet what i like. I'll trophy the faithful.

My guess is that women who read romance novels have never had a real orgasm.

Dear people,
If you are able bodied enough to fuck then you're well enough to fucking work.

Of course I have issues. Why else would I be here?