I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.

If you tell me to take a chill pill you better offer me a chill pill. I will take the chill pill. I will take all the chill pills.

I like to sit in courtrooms and gasp when a witness is called.

No one likes a cold toilet seat, but the implications of a warm toilet seat are far more upsetting.

Your velcro wallet says you must spend at least half your day fighting off pussy.

I made your coffee with love... and toilet water.

If you die of a drug overdose in front of me I'm going to take the rest of your super powerful drugs & do slightly less of them.

When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.

I wish my dick made that Transformers transforming sound when I got a boner.

I'm so glad I'm not one of those animals that has to stand all the time.

Sorry, I misunderstood and ate your cat.

"Well actually..." -Some asshole that's about to shit all over your point.

How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs.

A little girl asked if I wanted to have a tea party so I yelled at her & her dolls for 2 hours about how I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

It speaks to what a bitch the Wicked Witch was that she randomly died in a freak accident & the munchkins already had a song ready about it.

Sometimes I just start counting down in hopes that something cool will happen when I get to zero.

I know how to make a girl wet... with sweat. From fear.

Twitter- the modern day toilet stall wall.

I like to walk up to strangers & hug their head to my bosom, stroke their hair, & whisper, "hush now, child" while they struggle to get free

Men that don't bring their ladies flowers regularly I don't understand you. There are cemetaries w/ free boquets everywhere. Be gentlemen.