The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, “Move to the passenger seat”.

Forget Obama, I want to see the birth certificate of that dancing old man from the Six Flag commercials. He's suspiciously nimble.

Salvador Dali would have been a frustrating Pictionary partner.

My Favstar page must live in the city because I don’t see very many stars.

Just received an Amber Alert notification on my phone, this is the closest I've come to having my own Bat Signal.

I'd stay out of 7/11's tonight if I were you.

If aliens come and want me to take them to our leader, I'm going straight to Wendy Williams. That'll really confuse the hell out of them.

Until deaf people somehow experience the shocking rise in volume from TV show to commercial, I have no sympathy for them.

If all of my personal hygiene products lasted as long as a 500 count box of Q-Tips then I wouldn't have to steal from Walgreens as often.

Having sex while simultaneously entering and exiting an In-n-Out Burger is basically inception.

If Trump wins the Presidency, I call dibs on the first "America now has the Trump card" joke.

The kids who had the patience to save up all their tickets at Chuck E. Cheese have solid savings accounts today. Me, I have 376 spider rings

People who send out inspirational tweets were the kids who actually counted all the way to 100 while playing Hide and Seek as a child.

After reading the definition of boycott, it should really be called a girlcott.

Homeless people hate it when you give them stamps instead of money.

When asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?", reply with "probably the mirror over my bed". Potential bosses love jokes.

Your anniversary is today. (just saved like 12 relationships)

That guy who came up with all the clever ways to hide Wilson's face in Home Improvement was my childhood idol.

A "Do Not Star" list? 90% of Twitter has no idea that there is a "Favorite" button.

Guy Fieri is the Guy Fieri of Guy Fieri's.