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Thinking of buying my son a cell phone for the sole purpose of being able to text him to bring me another beer on the patio.
Neighbor looked at me funny when I cracked a beer. Hey, asshole, I'm not the one mowing my lawn at 7AM! Don't judge me and I won't judge you
#FNL is in its last season and The Bachelorette is still going strong... This is why we can't have nice things, America.
Time to check my tl and dm's to see how embarrassed I should be. You know, the usual Saturday morning activity...
I use this emoticon a lot ;-) Not because I'm winking, I'm just half Asian.
I've switched from caffeinated drinks to beer because fuck this conference call. If I'm going to be up this late, I'm going to be drunk...
You know it's going to be a long one when you're muttering "Fuck this day" before you even step foot in the office...
"Dad doesn't look people in the eye, son. Good luck having a staring contest with him." #shitmywifesays
Anyone ever read the nutritional panel on Lunchables? How the fuck is meat, cheese and crackers that unhealthy? Holy fuck!
"Never get separated from your piece, that's a dil-don't"
Co-worker: I wake up every morning hoping my razor hits a vital artery and you're bitching about empty cans? Give me a fucking break!
Fucking drunk. Jibberish soon to follow...
"Now Obama has really earned that Nobel Peace Prize." #shitmywifesays
The only type of good leftovers is leftover booze.