I like to blame my problems on others. Because there’s no “I” in the word “responsibility.” Well there is, but that’s not my fault

My biggest fear in life is getting yelled at by Samuel L. Jackson

Sometimes I get cocky when I post something good on Twitter. I'm like "Damn right you favorited that!" Then I remember I don't have a car

Imagine if you went to hell and you asked Satan "Is this hell?" And he took one look at you and said "It is NOW." So rude. So. Fucking. Rude

Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed

"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I'm not coming in" - No guy, ever

If people scream out the window of limos what they're really saying is THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN A LIMO AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

I’d hate to be a male ladybug. I mean sure you're technically a man but it’s not like you’re gonna get any respect in prison

Got re-tweeted by a guy with 1 follower. Not to be rude but why didn't you just TELL him?

Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

I... like... mixed... nuts and I cannot lie

I treat women well cause I'm a real man. Also, if I'm nice to them maybe they'll come over and kill this spider for me

I love you, but not as much as I love saying things I don't mean

If you shake my hand for more than 5 seconds, I'll assume you're on cocaine

It's tough being a slacker. You gotta give 0% effort, 100% of the time

Whatever trees... I fall in the forest all the time

If I had a dollar for every girl that told me she's "Not like other girls" I could afford to date those others girls

Saw a guy with a shirt that said, "Often Imitated, Never Duplicated." Whatever dude. I've seen that shirt before

If it wasn't for my appearance, I'd be so good-looking

Just thanked someone for calling me an "overeater." Cause the nachos were crunchy and I couldn't hear and I thought they said "overachiever"