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My suicide note:
I thought it was a chocolate chip.
It was a raisin.
My rap name is Li'l Urethra cuz my flow is weak.
Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.
I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Caterpillars become butterflies that become tattoos on the ankles of skanks that become dental assistants.
They better hurry up and remake Urban Cowboy before Kirstie Alley is too old to play the mechanical bull.
If I win the lottery tonight, I'm going to fill my car all the way up with gas.
Uhh, I ordered a tostada, and got a flat taco with beans. I'd like to speak to a Mexican.
If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
My fat roll is for my dog to put his head on, you disgusting animal hater.
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
The results differ slightly, but Hugh Jackman and I take our shirts off with the same ferocity.
Your pants say yoga, but your ass says pizza.
It's crazy to see all the stupid shit people waste money on when I'm at my dog's orthodontist.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
When I was a kid I was going to change the world. Today if the remote is on the other end of the couch, I'm not changing the channel.
I found a FRUITY Pebble in my box of COCOA Pebbles!! I rescued it, nurtured it, and named it RuPaul.
Are we just going to let the Japanese breed gorillas that throw barrels at Italian plumbers?
Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.
You can make this a 5-6 day weekend by not thoroughly grilling the hamburgers.
Host of Sexy Truck Stop Showers on the FUZZ Network. IG: seanincypress