I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

I was a little shocked when I disrobed to shower. Turns out I'm just 3 young cartoon ducks on each other's shoulders in a long coat.

No one ever calls the elephant in the room by his given name. It's Barry, and he likes soup.

I am amazed at how many people on twitter are proud of being assholes and bitches, like it 's a badge of cool or bravery. No. No it isn't.

I keep a water cooler in the house so that I can gossip with my daughter about where she thinks that Spongebob show is going.

I'm so run-down, I just saw a raccoon outside, and without putting up any fight, I just GAVE him my smokes.

My imagination gets the best of me. My reality gets the worst.

I've electrocuted myself six times now today, and not ONCE did I see my skeleton for a second.

Hypochondriacs are ruining it for those of us that may possibly be sincerely fake dying.

If I had an evil twin, we'd sooooo wear the same overall shorts.

My son (4) just referred to "tomorrow" as "that way from yesterday" randomly pointing. He gets me high.

Typical conversation with my wife: Me: Would you still love me if I grew a toucan beak? Wife: (walks out of room).

Adding little marshmallows to my Jim Beam makes me feel like a kid again.

Part of being a "real man" is figuring out why women don't want to have sex with you.

Hats don't fossilize, therefore we'll never know for sure if dinosaurs wore them.

I like to shake my fist in the air no matter what I'm saying.

I think the word 'random' means something different to teenagers than it does the rest of the world, or dictionaries. Oven mitt.

I prefer all my moots to be pointy.

Welcome Back Kafka #DepressingSitcoms

My body is actually just a huge shell inhabited by one very confused hermit crab.