Ok, a 3D phone? Is no one working on curing cancer?

I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

Can't people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like a Lance Armstrong clone? It's like Tour de Jerkoff out here.

Hey, don't worry about getting to your point, I'm actually going to live forever.

Just saw a late night tv ad for KY Warming lube. I don't want to tell you guys what to do, but if it's dry AND cold, maybe keep scouting?

A Xanax a day keeps the bitchslaps away.

No one gives their children dumber names than poor black people and rich white people.

I don't like to use the self-checkout lanes because fuck you, I already went to work today.

Drinking a White Russian made out of Kahlua and vanilla Slimfast. Get on my level. (Hint: it's rock bottom).

If you let yourself get pulled over by a bike cop, that is 100% on you.

"Make it rain, fool," is not an acceptable thing to say when your physician takes out his prescription pad.

That Morgan Freeman dolphin movie looks like someone wrote down all the things I'd ever want to see, then made the absolute opposite. In 3D.

Remember when Justin Timberlake had hair like Top Ramen?

If only there was a way for us to SIGNAL when we want to TURN. Oh well. Just have to keep dragging people out of their cars by their hair.

My first thought when I find out I'm not invited to someone's wedding is always "thank God."

There should be a villain that can give people toothaches. He'd be pretty much unstoppable.

I don't know what kind of bullshit ponzi scheme assbaggery Hershey's is trying to pull here, but air is not a goddamned ingredient.

Neighbor lady just remarked that I keep "interesting hours" as I was leaving just now, so I think I just got called a whore.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don't get all the cancer today!

Do as I say, not as I...actually, don't even do as I say.