My masseuse asked me if I wanted a happy ending and I said yes, so she killed a dragon and restored peace to my village.

I like to turn the volume up when I’m watching women's tennis so the neighbors think I’m a stud in the sack.

I wish baseball had a fifth base because then we’d have a cute way of talking about anal sex.

Silence is golden. But duct tape is silver.

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1996 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.

My wife told me I was selfish in bed...I almost choked on my own cock.

The look on his face when you say you're on your period: Priceless. There are things money can't buy. For everything else, there's anal.

Having sex when your cock is only semi-hard is like trying to put a marshmallow inside a piggy bank.

How many times does 37 go into 18?

As many times as she lets me.

Now I'm not saying I have a gigantic cock or anything, but when I get a hard-on I haven't got enough skin left to close my eyes.

Cleavage has got to be the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time. Well, that and a blow job.

My wife just had her teeth whitened. Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

I told her I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she's
been having sex with an asshole for years.

Never trust a person who's in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

A clear conscience is a sign that your memory is slipping.

My wife had an abortion and I keep it in a jar to remind her why we should do anal.

I wish I had never written it, but I have finally finished my book about regret.

I tried masturbating earlier tonight, but all I kept thinking about was my Grandma naked. I think it's because she was in the room...naked.

My Uncle died doing what he enjoyed most.

Shooting himself in the face.