My 11 year old cousin’s current Facebook status is “LOL” and it has 42 likes. Welcome to our future, America.

“Don’t forget your fake smile.” – Me, anytime I leave my apartment

Dabbled in not hating people today. It wasn't for me.

I’m at my fakest when I add an exclamation point to the Happy Birthday I wish someone on Facebook.

My Netflix just recommended that I leave my apartment and find out what human contact is like. Also, Inception.

Ugh, so sober. Never not drinking again.

Just set up a mini-fridge next to my bed. I’m now officially part of the reason other countries hate America.

Haven’t been on my ex’s Facebook page for a couple hours now. I better get on top of that.

Guy just asked if I had “hater tots” for breakfast. Looks like I’ll be hiding my first dead body today.

When my life flashes before my eyes, it will just be me blankly staring at my computer, waiting to read new tweets.

New studies suggest men who use big words have small penises. Sounds like an assemblage of preposterous malarkey in my personal estimation!

Want to not do the things you need to do today? There’s a nap for that.

I bet T-Rexes felt pretty inadequate at parties when other dinosaurs would raise the roof.

Tip: When you have no idea what someone is saying to you, responding with “yeah totally” works about 83% of the time.

I follow all people Twitter says are similar to me because well, I’m fucking delightful.

Nothing encapsulates the demise of humanity quite like Kim Kardashian having 9,000,000 followers. God help us all.

Everyone on Facebook is saying they have the greatest mom in the world. I DON'T KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE!

When I see a 2 year old wearing Crocs I think “Awww, mini-douche in training!”

I'm at my least manly when I'm oh so delicately applying chapstick to my lips.

Good luck competing for a job against the soldier that just updated his resume with “Killed Osama Bin Laden.”