I always go to the fattest kid at the concession stand to buy popcorn at the movies because he knows how to butter it properly.

I pissed my mother off by ignoring her request to be my mother on Facebook. What? It gave me the choice.

How come a lot of married women look like they ate the girl you married?

I still star typos because I'm intelligent enough to know what the fuck you meant.

When I see a guy wearing skinny jeans, I automatically assume he is also wearing panties.

My neighbors are having sex again. I just heard him yell, "Who's pussy is that?". I yelled back, Turn the fucking light on & check asshole.

I'm not going to any reunions. I can just look at Facebook to tell you gained 40 lbs, married an idiot & produced obnoxious children.

Menstruation is an excuse that will get you out of everything, except butt sex. You're screwed on that one.

You think Twitter is a waste of time? Because of Twitter, I can score weed in 39 states, 19 countries & 6 continents. That is fucking GOLD!

Technicalities, You call it unfollow, I call it my mute button. I'm sorry what? Sorry, I can't hear you. You are on mute.

I don't need a man to change a light bulb for me. I'm a chick, I have to have 5 million scented fucking candles somewhere in here.

Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

A Twitter Superstar is the same as a social outcast.

Water tastes a lot better when it is vodka.

It's not a walk of shame if you're skipping.

You can always tell if you bought the right bathing suit by how loud the neighbor gets slapped from his wife. This one is a winner.

I just made the neighbor walk into a sliding glass door. This dress will do.

I smoked a joint with a 76 yr. old homeless dude today. I'm not sure what you did, I'm pretty sure I win.

FACT: Girls have bigger balls than men. Our balls sit on our chest.

Tampax must realize there is nothing "pearl" about tampons, except the fact that you'll be given a necklace because you're on the rag.