Show me on my penis where the bad man touched you.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man healthcare reform and a bunch of racists pretend they're fighting a noble cause.

Does anyone know how to get Rohypno— I mean, cake bat— I mean clown blood out of a carp— fuck. Let me start over.

Does anyone have a loom?

A cute mixed kid with luggage showed up at my door and yelled "daddy!" Scariest costume I've ever seen.

OMG, Is he still out there?

I got 99 problems and Apple gets 30%.

My new book is titled "Lose Weight By Masturbating: 20 Supercharged SEO Secrets". It's about heirloom cabbages.

I'm going to be so rich.

The coolest thing about QR codes is that you can ignore them almost anywhere.

When your lady makes a joke about her period, you better laaaugh and laugh and no that's too much and shut your IDIOT FACE.

Me? I followed this African environmental activist dude on Twitter for like a week. What have you done about climate change?

Ever see a black guy with a handlebar mustache? That, my friend, is a glitch in the Matrix.

It's 20fucking10. Why can't I direct deposit my unemployment checks right to the STATE RUN LIQUOR STORE?

I make it a point not to be outside AT&T's coverage area. They play fiddles and banjos out there.

"You're like foodies but with drinks?"
"We're drunks. There's no "ie" in what we do."

You know how sometimes you catch a full-on crotch shot of a female ice skater's panties? Its called Hamill Toe.

Playing the mourning alarm game. Every time I hit snooze, five people die. I'm up to 45.

Look, this isn't fun for me either.

My kid's so adorable when he yells "Five-O! Five-O!" I sometimes forget to ditch my stash and run. Ah, kids.

In most states, Texas would be too retarded to execute.

On the last day of Black History Month, I went shopping, met my homeboy for lunch and went out for dinner, or as CNN calls it, looting.

Consensus driven organization. Pick two.

Freedom's just another word for I wanna touch your boobs.