Finding someone to be silly with, is one of the best underrated pleasures.

Don't scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

If you think my tweets are ridiculous you should see my life choices.

Just read a tweet so offensive that I just ignored it and continued with my fucking life.

If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

I quit cocaine, but now I'm on Twitter. Nice move addictive personality, Nice Move.

I followed my heart. Now I'm in the liquour store.

Life fucks me because I'm sexy right?

Your soulmate is unhappily married with another person. Have a nice day.

Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.

"Do whatever makes you happy. Not that. That's stupid."
-Women.

There's only one thing more sexy than a smart Girl.
1) Nothing.

Stop being weird. You're turning me on.

You had me at: I read books.

You know that moment when you connect with someone and you feel alive? Avoid that. That's how love starts and I don't recommend it.

Feelings are like little terrorists that sabotage our logical thinking.

If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?

Understand her body language. If she is crying, you're a fucking asshole.

Today is my anniversary.
4 years clean.
Best day ever.
That's all.

You say stalker, I say fan club president.