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My typical day at work:
9:00 am: What a beautiful day.
9:05 am: I WANNA GO HOME.
Guys, stop being creepy. Girls like romance. Break into their apartments and surprise them with breakfast in bed.
You can't make someone love you. But you can text them at 2 am and hope for the best.
The only valid excuse for not replying to a girl's text is dying. And she would be like '' typical, you died on me.''
Let's pretend we like each other until we find someone sexier.
Everything has been tweeted and we are just repeating ourselves. Relax people. Let's make out.
A STRANGER ON THE INTERNET BROKE YOUR HEART!? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WE MUST ALERT THE CHURCH ELDERS! QUICK, TO THE BATMOBILE!
YOU DON'T NEED A GRANDDAUGHTER MOM! Look, I bought you a troll doll. Play with her. STOP CRYING!
What do you mean you ''moved on'' We just broke up 3 years ago. Whore.
Listen lady, your drawn eyebrows don't scare me. I'm just kidding, here, take my lunch and just go.
Somethings are meant to be. I'm just kidding. Life is chaotic and your haircut makes you look old.
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. She communicates and you shut the fuck up.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don't get too excited.
Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.
A GPS, but to find your purpose in life.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
There's someone out there that can make you believe in love again. My advice? Stay indoors. Love is stupid.
Sometimes I'm a person; then I wake up. Inspirational asshole.