I want someone to love me for my mind, and fuck the living shit out of me. Is that too much to ask?

Today's life lesson: "I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake."

Stalking is where two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one knows about it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Hey you....yeah the one that tried to talk to me before I had my coffee....fuck off!

I highly advise you not to fuck with me...I have a black belt in sarcasm.

I don't need to "manage" my anger. You just need to "manage" your fucking stupidity.

Problem solved.

I love the way your voice sounds when you shut the fuck up.

Screw Resolutions. No one likes a cheap, sober bitch that can run a fucking marathon anyway.

"how to handle stress like a dog: if you can't eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away."

I don't make bad decisions. I am one.

I would tell you to go fuck yourself but I'm pretty sure you'd be highly disappointed in your performance too.

F.Y.I. If you don't like the word fuck why the fuck are you following someone with fuck in their name? You fucking cunt. Fuck.

I think I should get married. That way I can fuck someone else's life up besides my own.

"Your ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like....... kidnappers asking "to keep in touch after letting you go."

I want to give a huge shoutout to whatever drug company invented percocet and valium. Big hugs and kisses and blowjobs.

Looks like a beautiful day for bad fucking decisions.

If you are easily offended, what the fuck are you doing here you big ole pussy?

"The older I get the more everyone can kiss my ass!"

Tip of the day:

Don't be a motherfucking douchebag.