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A Real Big Fish fan and a real big Phish fan walk into a bar, meet, kiss, marry, nobody attends the wedding or any of their parties
Thinking about planting an olive garden. What a joy it would be to have unlimited breadsticks in my own backyard.
There should be a Jurassic Park-themed perfume called Clever Girl.
"It's not easy being the Reggae Magician." -me, in the throes of a future identity crisis that causes me to lose all my friends.
"You make sure Tropical Storm Debby hits Dallas or you're out of a job, mister." -news producer to the weather man
Asked the furniture salesman for "one night stand" and realized our miscommunication after brunch the next day.
"Ok, so who do we want to sound exactly like?" -new indie rock band, first practice
Caught myself thinking "look at this fucking hipster" just when I realized she was a 60-year-old old Chinese woman.
Beware of dating vegans; their love may actually be a love substitute of some kind.
Got beat up by an off-beat beat cop when he caught me in an upbeat beat-off.
When a girl fakes it in a mocking manner it's called a "sargasm".
Finally completed my fear-based weight loss guide. It's called "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIET!!!"
Is there an app that tells u how many favs/RTs a tweet will get before u tweet it? That would save a LOT of tears.
Non-prophet. I don't tweet. Follow me on IG and Spotify for good times.
