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OMG, google "baby alpacas". Now eat creamed corn. Next, read Popular Mechanics magazine. Just keep doing everything I say.
The secret to making vegan sausage is to grind up the vegans real good.
I'd rather not listen to my neighbors loudly fucking, but it's all I have on my iPod.
That song Cotton-Eyed Joe always gives me nightmares. His eyes are made of fucking cotton!
Hard to take the alphabet seriously when ten letters in it's like "JK".
I like everything on my pizza but rap and country.
A product called Malt Liquor King Jr would sell but I definitely wouldn't tell anyone I thought of it.
Heckler destroys heckler as comedian looks on helplessly.
I'm Afraid It's Butter
Friends is on Netflix? Who gives a care. Sanford and Son is on YouTube, biiitch.
Thought I had an Iggy Azalea song stuck in my head but it turned out to be a piece of shrapnel.
If you're attractive, please stop doing comedy.
I really try not to get high before work, but the bus driver is always like "dude, hit this shit!"
Comedian offended by people getting offended by comedians getting offended by people getting offended by comedians in cars getting offended