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OMG, google "baby alpacas". Now eat creamed corn. Next, read Popular Mechanics magazine. Just keep doing everything I say.
The secret to making vegan sausage is to grind up the vegans real good.
I'd rather not listen to my neighbors loudly fucking, but it's all I have on my iPod.
That song Cotton-Eyed Joe always gives me nightmares. His eyes are made of fucking cotton!
Hard to take the alphabet seriously when ten letters in it's like "JK".
I like everything on my pizza but rap and country.
A product called Malt Liquor King Jr would sell but I definitely wouldn't tell anyone I thought of it.
Heckler destroys heckler as comedian looks on helplessly.
I'm Afraid It's Butter
Friends is on Netflix? Who gives a care. Sanford and Son is on YouTube, biiitch.
Thought I had an Iggy Azalea song stuck in my head but it turned out to be a piece of shrapnel.
If you're attractive, please stop doing comedy.
I really try not to get high before work, but the bus driver is always like "dude, hit this shit!"
Comedy's Uncool Dad
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