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Just saw a hipster girl pushing an empty wheelchair and now I'm terrified that it's a new accessory they're selling at Urban Outfitters.
What I've learnt on Twitter: no matter how many people shock you with evil, twice as many people will amaze you with good.
Shouldn't it be a "teethbrush"?
Dear algebra, stop asking me to find ur X. She's not coming back. We don't know Y either.
Why are children obese? Probably because burgers are $.99 and salads are $7.99.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
What vitamin do you have to give kids to get them to flush the toilet?
For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
You don't need bigger boobs. You need to read better books.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause. Years later, Dad would tell me that was the only way he could get hard.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
Why, that's such a lovely shade of whore you have going on. It compliments your bitch quite nicely.
Sometimes I feel nuts. The guys love it.
I just put $10 in my gas tank and I think my car giggled.
Life's too short to have a DJ boyfriend.
Why is it when you ask a man for a back rub he rubs your ass instead?
If you want me to stop being a smartass, just stop being such a dumbass
Theres a special place in hell for the guy that decided what time McDonalds breakfast ends.
I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.
A penny for my thought is a penny poorly spent. I have a black belt in failure. Go ahead and Unfollow now. http://t.co/KOZI4fZw